Monday, February 23, 2009

All things excrement - *Reader Beware*

Things were getting entirely too serious in my corner of the blogosphere, so today will be much more lighthearted. What to write about, I ask myself. Something universally amusing, no doubt. Can there possibly be such a subject?

And then - eureka! Bodily functions. I bet you smiled just reading those two little words.

I'm not quite sure when my children learned that flatulence is funny, but they giggle at anything that sounds remotely similar. Raspberries. Mufflers. Flip-flops in the rain. (Incidentally, in my house they are not "farts," but "pooters." Mostly because I can't say the word fart without snorting like a twelve-year-old boy.)

I believe that potty humor is genetically inherent to the human race. It's just funny. And kids don't need to be taught that universal truth.

I recall several children in my acquaintence attempting to explain this crazy phenomenon that is - ahem - pootering:

"I burped my butt!"
"My bum just did a 'excuse me.'"
"Oooo! Thunder!"

One time at the temple a man with obvious intestinal discomfort was lettin' loose the whole time during the prayer. I was eternally grateful that I was not part of the circle, because if I had had to open my mouth, I most certainly would have lost it right then and there.

I have a loved one (don't worry, I won't mention that it was YOU, dear) who once pooped his pants in grade school. He didn't have the guts to tell the teacher, so he ducked behind the school building, stripped off his undies, and went around commando for the rest of the day.

A diehard marathon friend of mine was prairie-doggin at mile thirteen. She looked around both directions, took a side road, laid her pile in the middle of the road, wiped with some leaves and kept runnin'.

But my absolute best Bodily Functions story will embarrass only myself. The only people who know my shame are my mother, brother, and husband. And certain cat owners in Michigan.

The time - twelve years ago, when I was a fifteen year old nerd who never went anywhere without a book. The setting - a BOY/GIRL party taking place at a Certain Young Man's house who I very much liked. I felt the very height of cool for being invited. I'm pretty sure it took me an hour to get ready.

But in the midst of sitting around staring at each other and eating (because that's what you do at boy/girl parties that age), I had to poop. I don't really like relieving myself away from home, (anyone using the bathroom after you would KNOW WHAT YOU WERE DOING) but the urgency was such that it could not wait. I enclosed myself into a generic little guest bathroom and thus gave birth to the biggest log imaginable. Flushing again and again and again proved useless.

Just when my panic was reaching Everest heights, I could hear a knock on the door and the Certain Young Man's voice asking if I was almost done.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, of course I could not open the door and politely ask for a plunger. The shame. The absolute mortification of it - I would never live it down. Instead I gave some lame "be out in a minute" answer and frantically started opening drawers and cupboards looking for something to rescue me in my moment of peril.

All I found was a drawer full of plastic utensils and a kitty litter box in the corner. Which gave me an idea.

Thus I, Becky, That Girl in Brazil, fished out my doo-doo using plastic forks and buried it in the litter box. I also opened the window and washed my hands about 892174927424 times before leaving the restroom. I never went back to the house, never spoke to the Certain Young Man again, and now I MAKE SURE TO POOP before leaving the house.

And I have no doubt that they took the kitty into the vet that week.

32 comments:

Jody Blue said...

Thanks for the chuckle! OK it was a down right quiet roar(didn't want to wake any one)!

Brooke said...

That was great! Thanks for the laugh!

Debbie said...

That is one of the funniest stories ever! You were quite resourceful.

Richard and Stephanie said...

Wow, now I can tell our daughter that the person responsible for setting up her parents fished her own poo out of a toilet! Can you imagine what the owners thought was wrong w/ the cat when they had to clean the litter box?!

::Jan:: said...

I am going to wash my hands after reading this post girly. That is so sad. It's like that dumb and dumber plot in the bathroom. How embarassing and now I can't use plastic forks the same anymore.

You goof.

Lara said...

Laughing too hard to think of anything intelligent to say.

Kristina P. said...

My husband calls when you don't just fart, sharting. Isn't that delightful! And I've done it before. As an adult. My shame is out there.

Real Mom, Real Life said...

EWWWWW!! Too funny. I am going to have to let my boys read this post... they will get a real kick out of it. We have serious poop issues around here.

Once we had a guest back up our toilet. She was SO embarassed.

I could go on, but I think instead I need to get something to settle my queasy stomach!

Really? A fork?? Or was it a spoon?? Either way -- EWWWW

kristi said...

How have I never heard this story before!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bridget said...

Gross! I have tears running down my face I'm laughing so hard. Agh, I can't stop!

Boy Mom said...

I can't see through the tears '0 laughter to comment. Thanks I soooo needed that this morning.

This post makes my top five funniest posts ever list. Poor Kitty. Who keeps plastic forks in the bathroom? I'm glad they were there, but Weird! Good thing you never went back, "Thanks for the plastic utensils, but really, NO, I'll just use my hands.

Thanks for letting us all vent with you on your last post.

Boy Mom said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Sharla said...

LOL! Too funny! In our house farts are poofs, don't know how that started but it sounds way too similar to poop which makes for some interesting times. There is way too much poop in my life right now....the funniest thing I have to say though is imagining whoever found those poopy underwear at the school. I'm kinda hoping he buried them! Oh, hey, I want to subscribe, do you do that?

Christa Jeanne said...

WOW - that takes the cake, hon!!!

Becky said...

I, um... I don't quite know what to say other than thanks for the belly laugh!

Pezlady Jana said...

Oh my HECK! I am going to be laughing about that story all day long! That is insanely funny!

JustRandi said...

Ok THAT made me spray diet coke all over the monitor.
Funny girl!

Steph @ Diapers and Divinity said...

Wow. I have no words. Well, except for the word "tootle" which somehow became the substitute for "fart" around here. But other than that, I definitely have no words.

wonder woman said...

OH MY GOSH!!!! I'm dyin' over here!! Thanks for sharing your humiliation with us!

p.s. it was "pootering" in my house, too. Now we just call it tooting because I can't say "pooter" without cracking up, and "fart" somehow seems crass from a 4 year old.

Lady of Perpetual Chaos said...

We say tootie around here. Fart just seems kind of crude to my prudy little self. As for the story, I am at a complete loss of words. I see you in a whole new light now! Don't worry, it's still a good light! ;o)

nikkicrumpet said...

OH MY GOSH...that has to be the funniest poop story I've ever heard!!!! I bet they were so freaked out that their cat could make such a HUGE dodo!!!

Amber said...

Now that is hilarious! Love it!

Rachel said...

I don't often laugh out loud while reading, but I'm still going. Who keeps plastic utensils in the bathroom?

Natasha said...

I can't wait to show this to my husband. He'll love it.

Your unnamed family member was a good problem solver!

There was a kid at church who left his soiled drawers on the floor of the bathroom stall with poop on the toilet and walls and MY HUSBAND who saw it (and who knows how many other people saw and left it) CLEANED IT UP. Cleaned up some other kid's poop that was everywhere. Yes, ladies, I have a waiting list of wannabe backup wives in the event that I die. I can add you to the list, too.

I went to church with a 12-year-old girl, who was otherwise intelligent, who did not want to poop at school. So, she'd hold it and hold it until she went in her pants. The weird thing is that this didn't happen just ONCE. It happened all the time and her mom would have to come get her and of course everyone knew she went in her pants. It still boggles my mind.

Thanks for the laugh.

Jared said...

Some things (even inexcusable and impolite) are just really funny:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EUtwNtE1NBA

Elizabeth said...

OH MY GOSH. I'm reading this to my husband. SO FUNNY! Now my tummy hurts, darn you (but thanks for the exercise -- and of course, the laughs.)

PS - you owe me an email, sweetheart. :P

Kellie said...

I collect embarrassing stories for a book I'm putting together. You wouldn't believe how many poop your pants stories I have. A TON!

Harmony said...

BECKY! Holy crap! (no pun intended). That was one of the most hilarious stories I've heard in a LONG time! And I am shocked I never knew about it! I'd love to know who's bathroom you were in...

janel said...

Oh, wow, wow, wow. What a story! Bless you for being able to blog about it, although my stomach is still hurting from laughter.

sues2u2 said...

I decided to check out your blog per the MMB nomination. So I've been reading & then I came to this post. Can I just say that I was roflol?! You've got my vote! Also my nearly 11 yr old son & I think that the priesthood quorum shown above RAWCKS!

Rob said...

My wife called me at work after I read this and I could hardly talk because of laughing so hard! Thank goodness it wasn't my boss calling!

holley family said...

hehe, i knew you then! and i'm wondering/thinking i know certain young man??? perhaps, perhaps not.