Friday, March 27, 2009

Go time. Almost.

We're moving. Soonish.

I hate moving.

Don't ask where, because we have no official answer. Don't ask when, either. We don't know. But we're moving.

My Man's contract ends the 30th of June - and with it, our visas. We have to leave the country within the next few months. THAT much we know.

How do you wrap up almost five years?

I want to move back home. I miss the States. I miss ... so much. I miss Americans. I miss convenience. I miss fall. I miss the food. I miss English. I miss quality. I miss not-needy church members. (Though they have plenty of those in the States, too, of course.) I miss an 8-5 work day. I miss my husband.
But as much as I want to move back, I don't want to leave.

I will miss my friends desperately. They have been my family in every way possible. They have seen me at my most vulnerable. Seen me through floods of tears and countless trials and difficulties - and joy, too. I have grown up here. Literally.

How can I leave?

There are so many things to do. My throat gets tight and my heart and belly go cold when I think about it. The back of my neck gets all tense and I turn into this fluttery, panicky mess.

My friends feel it. They are just as desperate as I am. Which means that there is always some get-together, party or visit happening. At my house, of course. (More stress.)

My young women feel it, too. They are over all the time - Tuesday we had a huge youth party - trying to savor every minute we have.

And then there are THINGS. I have to get going on our Brazilian scrapbook - remembrances of our time here. I don't want to forget anything. And then our regular scrapbooks. I'm four months behind on Da Boyz' "picture books," and I NEED to catch up before we move. After the move ... I just know it won't happen. It's a fact.

And so, so much more.

I figured it out. It's not that I need more hours in the day - I just need more hours BY MYSELF. My kids just need to take longer naps. Eureka! Or sleep in later in the morning.

And then there's my MAJOR personality flaw. When I get super stressed and there's too much to do, I get tied up in knots and can't do ANYthing. Which is extremely effective. Because procrastination is a great time management tool.

*sigh* I just want to fast forward like four months until it's all over. That okay?


Stephanie said...

NOOOOOO! You can't leave! i haven't even gotten there yet!!

InkMom said...

Did you have your babes in Brazil? Does that make them Brazilian citizens? Just curious!

InkMom said...

And what will your blog become when you move back? The REplaced Americans? Returned, Repatriated (not that you were expat), Misplaced Non-Brazilians? The possibilities are endless!

wonder woman said...

I was also wondering about your blog.

I totally get your conflicting feelings. I think most people feel them when they've set down roots in a place and then have to leave it.

I'm a huge procrastinator, too. Like a few weeks ago when I had the big RS project. I put it off for months, and didn't worry or stress about it. Then 5 days before I was like, "AAAHHHH!!!!! I'M GONNA DIE!! THERE'S SO MUCH TO DO!!!!!!!!!" So maybe we could work on lists? Take one of those things you mentioned (brazilian scrapbook or picture books) and get started. Stay up late one Friday or Saturday night and get a good start on the project.

(Like I know what I'm talking about. Good luck, Becks.) ♥♥

SO said...

That does sound stressful. I too deal with stress through procrastination. I deal with many things through procrastination. It's not healthy but that's what I do so I understand.

My kids' scrapbooks stopped 6 years ago when I got a digital camera. I need to learn how to do digital scrapbooking. That or I wish I had the money to do those online books. Those are cool.

Good luck!

DeNae said...

Oh, honey I have BEEN there! For what it's worth, the scrapbooks probably can wait, but it's unlikely you'll get to them when you get home. I am NEVER the one for scrapbooking; I honestly think it is one of the biggest time-wasters around. But this time, I'm advising that you make them a priority. This isn't a regular move for you, and you'll feel differently about things if you don't do them now.

Invite a friend over to help. Even just having her there yakking at you while you work will help. If nothing else, you'll have to get the stuff out and at least make a start, and that's the hardest part anyway - for us champion procrastinators!

gigi said...

have the YW help with the kids. Have R/S help you pack and then spen the rest of your time with them.

Good luck, I can't even begin to imagine how you must feel. PRAY!!!

Deb said...

Wow...I guess I don't really understand, but I think I can sympathize. I'm looking forward to hearing where you end up.

Wherever you do, I'm certain your feeling of "misplacement" won't end right away...we'll still be here for you.

Tamra Watson said...

Seja bem vinda os sentimentos na fim de uma missao--

Agora tu sabe EXATAMENTE com seus guris, sentirao quando eles tem que sair de um pais que eles aprenderam a amar...

A coisa mais legal, acima de tudo--e voce sempre pode voltar e visitar :D


Stepper the Mighty said...

but you must promise not to abandon your blog! Because I seriously love it. Deal? Okay.

Then, man. This is a big deal. You're not just packing up your belongings, you're packing up a part of your identity. My advice? Go ahead and let it be a big deal. Cry with those beautiful Brazilians who will miss you. Allow yourself to be overwhelmed by the complicated simplicity of it: you're leaving. This great challenge that you conquered and learned to love and then ENJOY is moving, too.

It's like a REALLY good book. You finish the last chapter. You knew it was coming, you could sense that the book was ending, but the actual end still manages to sneak up on you a bit. So you sit there, holding the book and maybe re-reading the last page a few times, and all the critic remarks and the book cover and the author bio - all to savor it just a bit longer.

Then you sigh, put it on the shelf, and find another good book to read.

(just as long as the new book you read INCLUDES your blog, 'cause seriously.)

Boy Mom said...

Moving! What a wonderful, awful, inspiring, depressing word.

On the one hand so much clutter spiritually and materially can be left behind; but, how to keep what matters most when it's not whacking us upside the head constantly?

My prayers are with you.

janae said...

Oh wow. That is really exciting. And stressful at the same time. I guess we're in the same boat on this one. We have a moving date ... just not a moving location. But we have to be out of here by May 21st. If you figure out how to pop forward in time, let me know. I really want to skip to the point where all my packing is done!

Jen said...

I too shut down when feeling anxious and stressed. It's so irritating - that whole wandering-around-surrounded-by-things-to-do-yet-unable-to-accomplish-simple-tasks feeling.

Good luck with that :)

Megan said...

If your destination is procrastination you'll never go anywhere.

I feel you on moving, naps, scrapbooking and stress. So been there and done that. You'll make it... eventually. If you find yourself incapacitated because of anxiety, make lists--yes plural. Make one of simple things, every day things, the stuff you don't want to do, the stuff you need to do, etc. Eventually, you'll get a few items from the list(s) done and you'll feel more productive. Plus, you don't have to keep that stuff swirling around in your brain.

I actually had so many lists I had to buy a notebook for our moves. It also became a resource book of information about where we were moving. We've moved 3 times in 3 years... plus more before that.

Take heart. And some guarana. :)

JustRandi said...

Awww. Shoot.
I really hate those kinds of long dragged out good-byes.
I'd rather just get it over with in 10 minutes.

Make a deal with yourself that you're not going to cry for the whole 4 months. Just live it fully and be happy!! (I know you already know this - I'm just being supportive!)

Jennie said...

Ugh...moving is the worst. Good luck with everything!!

Adrienne said...

You might remember me from the "mommy room" in the Troy ward. You gave a beautiful testimony on the day of my daughter's blessing, and hopefully I didn't make you feel rushed because I was sitting on the stand to go next. I had no idea you lived in Brasil. I also lived in Brasil. I would have LOVED to swap stories!! And now you're leaving =( I lived in SP for 4 years with my family.
Anyway, I happened upon your blog at MMB (congrats on the award) a couple days ago, and just realized that I've met you. I've read a few posts and I love it. Totally takes me back. So just so you know, I'm out here reading and wishing I was in your brasilian shoes. =) Maybe if we ever bump into each other during nursing sessions again, we can reminisce. Good luck with the move!
Adrienne (Asvitt) Dial, formerly of Troy ward

Kazzy said...

I am sure you really do have mixed feelings. I am sure you have learned so much and been a great help to your ward members.

Any secret wishes on where you would like to go next?

trublubyu said...

change is tough. good luck with your preparations for your move.

someone told me the other day- in relation to the trek we went on- don't be sad it's over, be glad it happened. i loved that.

and, i totally get the procrastination thing. when i get behind sometimes i feel just a bit defeated. and then once i accomplish the task i realize it wasn't so bad afterall.

can't wait to see where you end up.

Our family said...

I'm a new non-lurker. Just wanted to make that clear! I LOVE your blog. Especially the cat litter box and playing in the rain. You have a beautiful family. Good luck with the move. Can't wait to hear where ...

Jody Blue said...

one foot in front of the other, you cant finish the race at the start line. You'd miss the pain, the sand in your shoes, tears and... the cheers.

Shelley said...

I think Stepper the Mighty pegged my feelings too. It is a big deal. Enjoy all of the people there the very most, everything else is just....well..stuff. Solidify your realtionships, that's what matters most!

templework said...

It's the 'not knowing'...

We can handle anything - once we know what it is we need to handle!

And - we know that Father has it all under control - smile

Whatever/wherever - We hope you'll maintain your blog and continue to allow us to be part of it all!

((HUGS)) and prayers

Melissa P said...

Moving is so bittersweet. When we lived in Las Vegas, I couldn't wait to leave. When we left, I was so distraught to leave all of my friends and ward members. It is hard.
Good luck with everything. I feel your pain, but not in exactly the same sense.

Rachel said...

I'm so with you. I hate moving. And I know what you mean about being stressed. Rather than become more productive I curl up in a ball and become useless. Good luck.

Elizabeth said...

SO BEEN THERE. Oh my freaking gosh, you ABSOLUTELY pegged that feeling. Yeah. Moving in two weeks but don't know where? Done that. Moving someplace without a job just because you know you're supposed to? Done that. Three (?) times? Known you needed to make a change, move somewhere new, but not known where for months? Done that. Three or four times. Did you know Darcy and I have moved house 11 times since we got married? Or is it twelve now? Yeah, we've been married 6 1/2 years. Uh-huh. So the first thing you need to know is that other people have been in this situation, feeling these exact feelings (particularly wanting to skip a few months and just suddenly be somewhere with ANSWERS and ALL THE PACKING DONE) and we've survived. You will, too, and thankfully, you probably won't remember much of the stress when it's over. (You'll probably repress it, like I did.) You should still remember the good things that happened, though, so don't fret.

You'll be interested to know that every single time Darcy says the family prayer he prays that Uncle Your Man will get a job close to us so we can spend time together and be close and enjoy each other. So we've got a bug in the Lord's ear, as it were.

Tip for packing? FlyLady. She has excellent instructions, and she simplifies it so you don't have to try so hard to think. It's awesome. The most important part? Timers! Use one! You tell the boys they have to entertain themselves for 15 minutes, and when the timer goes off you can play with them for 5, 10, 15, whatever you think, but when the timer goes off you have to go back to work. Also, if you plan a head a bit you can totally have people help you pack, which will be fun and get you some more buddy time with your homies down there. Or, you know, whatever the Portuguese word for homies is. :P

Anyway, that's what saved my tail. Also, when you get totally stressed and need a breather, BLOG. I don't know if it will help you, but it will make me happy to hear from you. So there. Absolutely selfish advice from your number one fan (although I think I might have to fight a few people who also want that title. RAR!)

Love you. Hugs to you and your menfolk. See you soon. (See? I have faith! :P) *huggles*

Kimberly said...

If I had access to a fast forward button I would so loan it to you. I'm sorry, hun. What a hugely stressful and confused time this must be for you!

Melonie said...

I love moving. I just hate the not knowing where you're going part. Too bad I can't help you pack.

You know, there's room on this island for more folk. *hint hint* You'd need new visas for a new country tho. ;-)

Sharla said...

Okay, seriously creepy! I could have written this exact post, almost word for word. Well, except for, you know, living in different countries. And I will not have to move nearly as far. But we've lived here for 5 years. And our contract is up soon. And I don't know where we're going or when. And everyone keeps telling us they will miss us and we can't go. And my young women keep wanting to hang out. And I hate moving. And I have so much to do but the more stressed I am the less I get done. And yeah....can I just fast forward too? Hey, hows about we move to the same place? ;) Good luck to you!! And just know, I'm feeling your pain.

nikkicrumpet said...

Yikes...a move from one country to another has got to be seriously complicated. And leaving friends behind is never easy. I know how miserable I was having to leave Utah after it being my only home for all 40 years of my life. It's so hard. Hang in there...and spend the time making memories.

Shooting Starchild said...

I totally know that Shutting Down and Not Going To Be Able To Accomplish Anything feeling! If you find a way to deal with it, please post about it!

Remember to breathe (the turn of your thinker and just focus on breathing for one or two breaths).

Sending prayers ♥

Shawn said...

You are strong, you can do it! But what a huge undertaking! It will feel terribly insane for the longest time.

I also procrastinate on things that have to do with my family---and then they are grown and gone, so take the time to be with them and then have them HELP you with those scrapbooks---they will be original as well as a great memory for all of you.

Debbie said...

I can so understand how you feel. The last time we moved, it was so hard on me. But, you are strong and you will do great, I am sure.

The Motherboard said...

I feel your pain. We moved recently (is 3 years recent?) and it was horrid on me. Cross country is nothin' compared across the world.

Photos. Take lots and lots of photos. (does that make you more stressed?)

Kara Herron said...

I've got a great idea to reduce your stress. It sounds like you do lots of scrapbooking. I don't. I work for the corporate offices of Cherish Bound - a company that help people find, capture and share their stories in gorgeous books. It is soooo simple and can be done in no time at all. Right now we don't ship to foreign countries, but you can always spend your time taking pictures and then get on the computer and use our online tool to make your book. Then, when you get back home, you can finish it up and submit it. I've made such cool books and I think you'd really enjoy it. Plus, we store all of the books on our servers, so any time you want another copy, you can just order one. It's really hard to copy a scrapbook, plus they are expensive to make and very time consuming. I love scrapbooks just as much as the next girl, but for your Brazilian experience, you might want to try something different. Check out the website: and then let me know if you'd like help getting started. My email is

I love your blog!


Kaylene said...

Wow, moving. I am so entranced by your descriptions of Brazilian life.
Good luck with the move. I hate, hate it and have only moved within the US and without kids.

Brittany Ann said...

I'm sorry you have to leave. But I know the U.S. will be better for having you home

Fig said...

I vote you move to Tulsa. Wait, are you taking suggestions?