Saturday, October 18, 2008

Husbands should not be allowed to get sick

Especially not when the kids are sick TOO. And especially not on the weekends, when I'm supposed to get a leetle break and HE is supposed to be washing dishes, breaking up fights and changing diapers. Or at least helping. Instead he's passed out on the bed with a fever, plugged nose and a nasty cough that sounds like a bark.

Lucky dog.

And why is it that people feel so compelled to give me their grandmother's Apache Indian recipe for cough syrup when I mention I have sickies in the house? They immediately assume that I've never seen a sick toddler before and I won't know what to do. (Really? Baths lower fevers? NO. WAY.) Then, when I insist that I really have done everything I can, they don't understand WHY everyone is still sick. They just rinse and repeat their suggestions. ("Are you suuuure you gave him a bath already?" "Oh, you know, you're right - I didn't. I mistook him for the dog.")

Have I ever mentioned any Brazilian remedies? Or the many old wives tales? (Apologies. There are no Brazilian old wives tales. Only SOLID FACT.) Caution: you may snort.
  • Sticking a piece of lettuce on your forehead cures hiccups.
  • Although if babies get hiccups, it means that they're cold.
  • Even when it's a hundred degrees out.
  • Children under the age of ten shouldn't drink ANYTHING COLD. If they do, they will get hiccups. And die.
  • If you don't burp a baby after nursing, they will choke on their spit-up. And die.
  • You can't drink skim or reduced-fat milk. It has all the vitamins and calcium sucked out. In fact, the companies just DYE WATER WHITE to fool us all.
  • If you drink milk while eating mangoes you'll get sick.
  • If you drink milk with meat you'll get sick.
  • If you deny a child a toy or food they really want, they'll get sick.
  • If you eat too much ice cream, you'll get sick.
  • If you get your feet wet, you'll get sick.
  • If the weather gets hot and then cold really fast, you'll get sick.
  • If you don't eat rice and beans every day, you'll get sick.
  • If you don't pick a baby immediately when they cry, they'll get sick.
  • If you give a baby a bath in the morning or at night, they'll get sick. (Just the middle of the day, please.)

So, obviously, since three out of four men-in-my-house are sick, I must have done SOMETHING wrong. There are so many ways to mess up.

10 comments:

Elizabeth said...

Oh, geez. Join the 21st century, people. Germs make you sick. Weird chemicals that your body can't get rid of efficiently enough makes you sick. Even stress can make you sick. But dude.

Plus, don't they know that fevers are GOOD things? Your body raises your temperature to KILL THE GERMS. Eek. I only take measures to bring down a temperature if it's getting to a dangerous level (in which case they should be seen by a doctor anyway) or if the patient seems really miserable -- which usually means the fever is getting to a dangerous temperature.

Come back to the US, hon, where, if people disagree with you and think you're a horrible mother they at least won't SAY so, or give you unsolicited advice. (You know, except for the random (generally older) person who feels the MUST SHARE their wisdom and knowledge. :P)

Sorry. *hugs* And I hope Husband feels better soon. Give him hugs from us. :)

kristi said...

I know, I hate it when my husband is sick and on the weekend. I always feel that the weekend is my time to sleep in or take a good long nap in the middle of the day and he gets the responsibility of the kids. Love the wives tales though, they are great :)

The Prices said...

Your blog never fails to make me laugh! Hope your sickies get better soon!

Pezlady Jana said...

I just started reading your blog today (found it through another that I read...) and I laughed my butt off at this post. I served my mission in Brazil and clearly I was told almost all of those "truths". It brought back great memories! Thanks!

heidizinha said...

and do they think that "leite quente com mel" is the cure-all, like the portuguese?

Heather of the EO said...

That's a whole lotta unwanted pressure. Isn't there enough mommy guilt without the guilt?

I agree about husbands. I don't like it when mine is sick either. I want to say "HEY, BUCK UP!"

But maybe it's your fault...Did you give him skim milk?

Abra said...

I totally agree, husbands should not be allowed to get sick, I mean, we're not allowed to be sick, so why should they right?
If I do get sick, then my husband is ALWAYS sick too.
How is that?
He didn't get pregnant when I was pregnant...
Also I love listening to - okay, I guess reading - about other country's folklore.
My sister taught English in Russia for six months and she has an abundance of Russian Folklore that is hilarious...
Lots of them end with "and you will never marry..."
Did you know that in Russia, single men and women should avoid sitting at the corners of tables because it means (mostly young single girls) that they'll never marry.
I love how they start out with single people, then they get halfway through, and they're like; "oops! let's just narrow this down to uhhh, just the single women... yeah, that sound's good, yeah, we'll go with that..."
I'm pretty sure that's how the conversation went.

*MARY* said...

I remember going to Mcdonalds in China during the winter and they gave me my sprite HOT, I don't even know how they did that. I don't think my husbands grandma has ever had a cold drink in her life. She's always sipping on hot tea, even in the middle of summer.

Jan said...

I have never enjoyed the sick man either.

Melissa Bastow said...

Your list is hilarious. It's a good thing I don't live in Brazil or my whole family would have died on our first day. Well, I might have been able to keep atleast one of us alive for 3 days...but I'm a bit skeptical about it since I think I have violated all of those things on the list.
Oh, and once I gave our (then) 10 month old a bath for his fever and he immediately started shivering - but like convulsive shivers. And then his lips turned purple and didn't go back for like 20 minutes. THEN the nurses at the ER (because that stupid fever was now a 104 degree scary fever at 12:30 AM) said, "Oh, you gave him a bath?!!" And then I was like, "AAAAAAACCKKK!" Because, really, does someone always have to be there to tell you what you're doing wrong?!

p.s. Thank you for sacrificing your nap to read my blog - that is a HUGE deal (naps really are SACRED.) I feel like I should give you $50....or a big trophy. I'm not sure- maybe you'll just get a big virtual pat on the rump, but in a sporty "WAHOOOOO" sort of way.