And why is it that people feel so compelled to give me their grandmother's Apache Indian recipe for cough syrup when I mention I have sickies in the house? They immediately assume that I've never seen a sick toddler before and I won't know what to do. (Really? Baths lower fevers? NO. WAY.) Then, when I insist that I really have done everything I can, they don't understand WHY everyone is still sick. They just rinse and repeat their suggestions. ("Are you suuuure you gave him a bath already?" "Oh, you know, you're right - I didn't. I mistook him for the dog.")
Have I ever mentioned any Brazilian remedies? Or the many old wives tales? (Apologies. There are no Brazilian old wives tales. Only SOLID FACT.) Caution: you may snort.
- Sticking a piece of lettuce on your forehead cures hiccups.
- Although if babies get hiccups, it means that they're cold.
- Even when it's a hundred degrees out.
- Children under the age of ten shouldn't drink ANYTHING COLD. If they do, they will get hiccups. And die.
- If you don't burp a baby after nursing, they will choke on their spit-up. And die.
- You can't drink skim or reduced-fat milk. It has all the vitamins and calcium sucked out. In fact, the companies just DYE WATER WHITE to fool us all.
- If you drink milk while eating mangoes you'll get sick.
- If you drink milk with meat you'll get sick.
- If you deny a child a toy or food they really want, they'll get sick.
- If you eat too much ice cream, you'll get sick.
- If you get your feet wet, you'll get sick.
- If the weather gets hot and then cold really fast, you'll get sick.
- If you don't eat rice and beans every day, you'll get sick.
- If you don't pick a baby immediately when they cry, they'll get sick.
- If you give a baby a bath in the morning or at night, they'll get sick. (Just the middle of the day, please.)
So, obviously, since three out of four men-in-my-house are sick, I must have done SOMETHING wrong. There are so many ways to mess up.