Monday, November 24, 2008

Lost lamb

I am overflowing with emotion right now. My feelings are brimming to the top of my body, bubbling underneath the surface and barely able to be contained by the skin. My thoughts are swimming around - skittering back and forth like a drunken bee surrounded by flowers.

I don't know which one to describe first.

Being home - it's emotional. I feel ... happy. Content. Uplifted. Comfortable. Excited, too. And yet at the same time annoyed, lonely, frustrated, angry.

Hence the skittering.

Went to church today. Awesome. Surrounded by family, I was home-free as far as the kids were concerned. I didn't have to prepare a lesson or return Tupperware or set up visiting teaching. I just SAT and sponged. The talks today were intense. The lessons inspired. I floated home in a surreal cloud of spiritual enlightenment. That hasn't happened in a long time.

Saw old friends today. It's like no time has passed. Just yesterday we were floating on a water bed at 2AM, discussing the cute boys at the stake dance and sweating the physics test.

I'm sleeping in my old bedroom. I prop up Jellybean in the inescapable plastic blue seat in which I tasted my first rice cereal almost thirty years ago. Little Prince and Ouro Branco listen to the same lullabies my mother once crooned, eating my dad's cookies and playing the same roughhousing games on the couch that I once did.

The sights, sounds, and smells of my childhood all around me. The very ghosts of my past marching by, haunting my children.

It makes me feel like I never grew up.

It's the feeling of curling up on your daddy's lap. Swimming in the bathtub. Having your clothes laid out for you - washed and ironed and ready to go. It's someone else making your sandwiches. Someone else worrying about dinner, laundry and what book to read.

I have been worried for so long about my flock of sheep - my children, my young women at church. I am constantly herding, protecting - leading to green pastures and shielding from wolves. Loving the lambs. Always counting - making sure everyone is accounted and provided for. Worried, worried, worried. Always herding.

But I realized something today.

I am not the shepherd.

I am the sheep.

22 comments:

Rocketgirl said...

Sweet, sweet sweet:) I just adore going home and letting mom MOM while I look a the walls that saw who I once was and am overcome with how thankful for how it has turned out. I LOVE this entry.

Pam said...

I love feeling at home too! I can't wait to get together!
Pam

Lara said...

So beautifully said. Thanks!

Kristina P. said...

What a beautiful post! I think you should share this with your Young Women.

Jen said...

I live a quarter mile down the road from my parents house, and all those things.(Except my dad never made cookies. I have to help him start the dishwasher, for heaven's sake!) I am so happy for you that you're home for the holidays, because it really is the greatest place to be.

lizzy-loo said...

i also at times long for the comfort of the U.S. and need a break from a foreign language. at times arriving at the airport can bring tears to my eyes, but by the end of my time i am always ready to go home.

Brooke said...

Sometimes it is hard as women, because we tend to worry about everyone but ourselves. You said everything so beautifully.

Sarah said...

One great thing about mom's house...it's ok if you don't feel grown up! It's like dropping part of your burdens until you're ready to take them up again. I'm usually so ready to go home by the time I am headed that way, but I am always wanting to come back too.

Heather of the EO said...

I am so moved by this post. So many common feelings here.

the worry, worry, worry, work work work, herd, shield, teach, work work...

all the while feeling like the young me is stuck in this grown-up role, a bit confused. Because she's still there. Needing to be shielded and herded and served. God does that. I just sometimes forget and try to do it myself.

Beautiful post again, lady. I just love it.

Pezlady Jana said...

Your posts are so wonderful! I love reading them and I have to say a big ole DITTO for this one. That is exactly how I feel about home too!!

Becky said...

Thank you for sharing these wonderful thoughts. I need to remember to let myself be taken care of by a loving Father, instead of feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders.

Erin said...

That was a great post. It must almost seem a bit surreal to be back home.

P.S. I praised you on my blog today.

Steph @ Diapers and Divinity said...

Great post. Made me remember the hymn "Dear to the heart of the shepherd," especially the part that says:

"Make us thy true UNDERshepherds.
Give us a love that is deep."

I love how it's half-selfless, half-selfish, and recognizes where we fall on the chain of responsibility.

The Prices said...

You are absolutely amazing! Your posts, especially this one are so beautifully written, I never get away from yours without crying or laughing.

Jan said...

I just love your thoughts. They are just great. I am so glad that you love the homelife again. It is amazing how we do become kids. I asked my mom not to long ago if I could go to the bathroom when I was over at her house. She laughed and told me I didn't have to ask that anymore :) Moms are great.

Abra said...

I always feel peaceful when my family comes, I can relax, let the socks slip down, and just be "me" for awhile. Love it.

JustRandi said...

I loved this! I identify with it on so many levels! Thank-you.

Elizabeth said...

Move into my ward. I need you. *hugs*

Katrina said...

love this. and it really makes me miss my fam.

Kathy P said...

I love LOVE your vocabulary! I know exactly what you are saying! Welcome home.

Harmony said...

I love you Becky! And I love all our memories! And I loved seeing you!

janel said...

What a beautiful post. Something about having a newborn reminds me that I want to just be a sheep and not the shepherd for a while. If only MI were closer to UT. Then we might be able to meet for real.