I am overflowing with emotion right now. My feelings are brimming to the top of my body, bubbling underneath the surface and barely able to be contained by the skin. My thoughts are swimming around - skittering back and forth like a drunken bee surrounded by flowers.
I don't know which one to describe first.
Being home - it's emotional. I feel ... happy. Content. Uplifted. Comfortable. Excited, too. And yet at the same time annoyed, lonely, frustrated, angry.
Hence the skittering.
Went to church today. Awesome. Surrounded by family, I was home-free as far as the kids were concerned. I didn't have to prepare a lesson or return Tupperware or set up visiting teaching. I just SAT and sponged. The talks today were intense. The lessons inspired. I floated home in a surreal cloud of spiritual enlightenment. That hasn't happened in a long time.
Saw old friends today. It's like no time has passed. Just yesterday we were floating on a water bed at 2AM, discussing the cute boys at the stake dance and sweating the physics test.
I'm sleeping in my old bedroom. I prop up Jellybean in the inescapable plastic blue seat in which I tasted my first rice cereal almost thirty years ago. Little Prince and Ouro Branco listen to the same lullabies my mother once crooned, eating my dad's cookies and playing the same roughhousing games on the couch that I once did.
The sights, sounds, and smells of my childhood all around me. The very ghosts of my past marching by, haunting my children.
It makes me feel like I never grew up.
It's the feeling of curling up on your daddy's lap. Swimming in the bathtub. Having your clothes laid out for you - washed and ironed and ready to go. It's someone else making your sandwiches. Someone else worrying about dinner, laundry and what book to read.
I have been worried for so long about my flock of sheep - my children, my young women at church. I am constantly herding, protecting - leading to green pastures and shielding from wolves. Loving the lambs. Always counting - making sure everyone is accounted and provided for. Worried, worried, worried. Always herding.
But I realized something today.
I am not the shepherd.
I am the sheep.