Thursday, April 30, 2009

I reserve the right to delete this post once I come to my senses

I am ashamed. I have not been honest with you.

I'm a FAKE. SKINNY.

I actually know this for a fact, having been declared one only yesterday. A friend in the ward is making me some dresses, and I went in for a fitting. She had to let everything out, with the comment, "Wow, Re, I thought you were skinny, but you're not. You're like a fake skinny!"

Well, at least I know my place in the world.

While I appreciate your comments of my beauteousness, I need to come clean. I only post pictures that make me look good. Duh. But really? NOT. I feel I have deceived you.

Bloggers, I have sinned.

I have a double chin.

Here's me with the camera pointing down. Instantly gives you Audrey Hepburn neck! (It also has the added benefit of stretching your arms up, thus hiding any extra sets of triceps.)


But here is the previously UNPUBLISHED ARCHIVES, EXCLUSIVELY ON MY BLOG - me with the camera pointing up.










Wattle, wattle, wattle. The truth hurts.

Then there's my Equator of Love. I've got a good two fistfuls of flesh right above where I button my jeans. MUFFIN. TOP. (I prefer blueberry with the brown sugar crackle topping, but I'll go for double chocolate chip too. With butter.)




















And I'm not EVEN puffing out. This is the real me in all my glory.

(Bytheway, belly fat is very fun to play with when you're watching a movie. But it gets in the way when I need to pick up cars. Or crayons. Or chalk. Or paper. Or little socks. Or food. Or silverware. Or ....)
Sidenote: I wasn't lying when I said I'm a size 6. But this is why I have no faith in the sizing system. I well recall reading the Wakefield twins in junior high, and they were described as "perfect size 6s." Well. I am the chubbiest size 6 I know. It's kind of like the penguins from Madagascar dreaming of Antartica all their life - then when they get there? This sucks. I'd rather be a tight 12 then a flabby 6. Period.

Next - thunder thighs. They really jiggle. If only I could hold them straight out while squeezing them constantly. Then they wouldn't look so bad. But I'm kind of a fan of WALKING. I would take a picture showing you how my legs resemble KFC's special recipe, but that would require moving. And I'm very comfortable in my chair.










Eyes. Lots of compliments on my eyes. MASCARA, people. Pur-lease. I'm a walking Maybelline ad. Haven't I already told you I'm an addict?
Skin. Huge pores. Irregular texture. Bumps. Zits (I'm 27!) And my eyes recently decided to get puffy dark circles as well, just to shake things up.
(Inhaling cleaning supplies for a week and going to bed at 2:30AM last night does things to you ....)

























There. Now that I have effectively wasted half an hour of nap time, my conscious is clear.
Now I'm going to clean out the dining room. And maybe dig up some chocolate.

60 comments:

Liz said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Liz said...

LOVE IT!! I know exactly where you are coming from. Glad I'm not the only one out there.
Liz

Kristina P. said...

I'm not even fake skinny!!

I love this post.

Abra said...

You are freaking hilarious! And still beautiful... I only put up good pics too - it takes like a hundred of deletions before I get the picture I want.
So I'm a fake too.

Lady of Perpetual Chaos said...

I'm not even to a fake skinny yet, but I'm working on it. But of course I put my most flattering pictures on my blog...which is why I put up the one with balloons up my shirt. Well, that's one of the few exceptions. This post was hilarious...in a very non-fake way! Happy cleaning!

LisAway said...

I like you five times more now. Not because you're "fake skinny" or any of that. But now I sort of feel I know what you look like. I think I want to do a post like this. . .

Hey, now you should post a short video of yourself talking and the picture will be complete. (or a long one, I'm not saying I don't want to hear a lot of talking or anything. . .)

And you are so funny. Mascara doesn't give you model eyes, silly goose.

Rachel said...

we should start a support group: Fake skinny girls annonymus. (sp?) I would be there with you. Because really, these pictures are basically describing my body.

And I admire your bravery for posting them. Because I never post pictures of myself because I have yet to discover an angle that hides my double chin!

Mrs. M said...

Your chins shots made me laugh. My chin, when pulled in, disappears into my neck and it freaks my husband out. Yes, delete it all when you come to your senses:)

Megan said...

FAKER!!

I like you--even better now.

And honey, if yours is a muffin top, I got a 9x13 decorated with purple piping...

rad6 said...

Ok, you are the cutest thing on the planet!!! REALLY!!!!!!!! Not just your beauty, your wit and personality. I think if we knew each other we would be best friends. Ok, maybe not because I am an old lady to you (but really I'm not), but I just LOVE your take on life. PLEEEEEEEAAAASE don't delete this post, EVER!!!! It's a definite feel good post!
Ruth

janae said...

You are brave! I would never, ever, ever, EVER in a million years post something like this about myself. I'm definitely not as self assured as you are. As I see it, I'm gonna resurrect and have a perfect body, so why keep any record of my imperfections?? No, they are promptly destroyed as soon as I see them on the camera. :)

Melissa said...

You totally crack me up woman! I would rather be a size 6 anything then what I am right now...wait a minute...I was NEVER size 6. Size 8 maybe, but never size 6. And like that's even a remote possibility now. I think I would just sigh with glee if I could fit into a 10. :)

wonder woman said...

I love That Girl. And while your equator of love makes me feel a bit better, your thighs DO NOT TOUCH. Of course, the last time mine didn't was before I got my period for the first time. STILL.

And I am also NOT HAPPY about the still have zits. I honestly thought they'd go away once I lost my virginity or something. This is a fact that I will make sure my daughters are CLEAR on. (Assuming I ever have a daughter.) She (?they?) will know that she will probably get zits until the Millenium, when we all become magically perfect.

Good luck with the moving of the crapola. And even though you'll be 12 hours away in sunny AZ, I'm excited to know that you'll be closer and our chances of meeting someday are drastically increasing.

Sarah said...

Srsly, talk about it all you want but girly you are nothing short of gorgeous. And I've seen you in person, so I know it's not some camera trick.

KC Mom said...

Don't you dare delete this post. You are quite the faker...I don't know how you live with yourself!! Sheeshh...what I wouldn't give for your ability!

kristi said...

Those last few pictures remind me of some of the faces your dad makes. Hahahahaha so funny also, I think that anyone would have bigger thighs when they take a picture of them while sitting.

Annette Lyon said...

I'll take your fake skinny over my Jay Leno face any day.

Jill said...
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DeNae said...

You are a nut! We all fake things here in bloggyworld. I like to think of it as putting my best face forward. One of your commenters yesterday lamented that I don't put pictures on my blog. This is why. There are some things not even the camera can disguise.

BTW, love how you're continuing to find creative ways to avoid packing. You're a pro!

Boy Mom said...

You are so cute! My boys just love to remind me everyday that my squishey is so fun to play with. I posted about your fun Brazilian Lovin' package, a couple posts ago. Thanks for the love!

Mommadj5 said...

Ok - have to comment on this one! First - you are beautiful and always will be because your SPIRIT shines through - second - your "double chin" is genetic (I swear!) - your 14 year old 98 pound, 23 inch waist, never had a baby sister has a double chin!! Just ain't no way it's going away without lipo - sorry about the genes! Third - slap that "friend" for me! :-) Fourth - YOU ARE GORGEOUS (sp?)(no kid of mine is anything but...)

Katrina said...

you are my hero! i am not nearly so brave. i have the double chin, muffin top, and squishy thighs too. And I'm a size 6 also.

Kim (Davis) Loudon said...

I LOVE YOU, BEX! You crack me up. Don't you dare delete! I love that you say it like it is, because it gives other people the motivation to be real, too. That is the one annoying thing about blogs...most people only post the "fake skinny" on every aspect of their lives. Love ya and hope to see you soon.

Erin said...

Hee hee! That was a fun post.

janel said...

You still remember pertinent information about the Sweet Valley girls? I don't know why we haven't met yet.

Kathy @ Real Mom, Real Life said...

Oh ... you don't fool me for a second! You are downright adorable. I never noticed any of that junk you talked about!

But a blueberry muffin with the crumbly topping does sound awesome... I am off to the bakery.

elesa said...

Those pictures are AWESOME. Thanks.

Kimberly said...

I have a feeling that anyone who didn't already love you now officially ADORES you almost as much as I do. I cheat hugely with my profile pictures. Just the right angle and lighting...

Maybe I'll be as brave as you some day, just to let the guilt go...

Hel said...

I have just (inadvertently) "come out" of the skinny closet on my blog. I am far from being skinny, yet my profile pic suggests otherwise.

Oh how I wish to even be fake skinny... good work on the size 6 muffin top. I didn't realise you get one that size!

heidizinha said...

mae was snapping pictures the other day...as only a two year old can and caught one of me. i look 8 months pregnant.

"it's ok," i thought, "i'm like 5 months pregnant and it's my second child. oh wait, i'm only like 4 months. hold up, when am i due? oh yeah, i'm only 3 months pregnant."

and then, later that night i went out with a friend who is one week ahead of me and pregnant with her third child. and i practically threw up my dinner all over her plate.

i hate real skinnies anyway.

Melonie said...

I'm with Janel. I did a double take on that one.

Which girl drove the Spyder? I can't remember now. It's been way too long.

What works for me: just not posting pics of myself then saying I'm a size 5. No need to mention it's not a tight 5. ;-)

Carolyn said...

You are fabulously beautiful from all angles...and too funny for words.

Lisha said...

You are a crack up. I still think that my muffin top could beat your muffin top. Heat and humidity tends to wreak havoc with your skin doesn't it. I'm pushing 40, had three boys, with muffin top and still get pimples.

I still think you're a cute fuzzy peach.

Melanie J said...

I'm a semi-squishy 8 and I can totally live with that.

BTW, this post right here is why you and I could totally hang out and be friends. You know, except for living far apart.

Kellie said...

Oh my gosh! The Wakefield twins. I totally forgot they were "perfect." Hmm. Please don't delete this post! Hilarious and it helped me feel better about my baby bulge around the top of my jeans:)

gina said...

How brave of you, and you made so many people feel better about themselves.
I can't stand myself in pictures right now; I don't lose weight when nursing (I know, its supposed to be the other way around, but I don't follow the rules) and I HATE my body right now. Size 4 is my norm; right now I'm a 10. So I would love to be a 6, even a squishy 6. I have a closet full of clothes that I try not to look at!

Kara Herron said...

Bwahahahaha! You're a crack up! I'm getting fake boobs tomorrow, so now my boobs will stick out a little bit more than my stomach. Whew! Plus I'm bald. So your hair is 150% better than mine. Hee, hee! Hmmmm... what else is bad - EVERYTHING! Now you know as much about me as I know about you. ;-)

Jocelyn Christensen said...

wow. Your body is going to call the cops on you for libel...or is it slander? I forget the right word...I know what you mean about a certain middle region getting in the way when you are picking random items up off the floor...so annoying!

Shawn said...

I am OH, SO VAIN, and I would NEVER do what you did! I am all about knowing how to hide the truth---NEVER REVEALING THE SECRETS!

Girl---you are going to get us vain diva's in trouble----I may have to find you in Arizona and take you out!

Melissa P said...

I don't know any mom that doesn't have a tummy. But I noticed you have a not fake very skinny looking calf. That took a lot of guts. I would die to be a size 6 even if it was a fake skinny.

MNM: Mangum Family said...

Like I said, you totally make my day! I too only post pics that make me look good...oh, wait, there aren't any! Thanks for the honesty, I wish I were half as brave as you! (PSST-You're still totally gorgeous!)

Sharon said...

I LOVE IT. I, too, am a size six. Six all the way. Not all it's cracked up to be. And then occasionally I'll fool myself into thinking I can shop at one of those "juniors" stores where the teenagers buy their cool clothes. (Aeropostale, etc.) If I'm a six in misses, wouldn't I be at least a 7/9 in juniors? Let me tell you, it's a blow to the self-esteem. Nothing fits right in those stores. I'm not a junior anymore and I need to stop fooling myself.
But you're beautiful!

Jen said...

Okay, you're in. You loved mine and Annie's ugly-pics from our wild week in Utah, you wanted to be our sister, you've earned the right. Consider yourself an honorary Valentine girl where fake skinny is practically a mandatory state at all times.

And Elizabeth and Jessica rocked. With their mirror-image moles, and their green eyes, and their snazzy little Fiat. I totally wanted to be them.

Rocketgirl said...

Haha, you must REALLY not want to be packing today, else why would you show off your Equator of Love???? (That's the greatest name for a tummy I have EVER heard) I don't need to tell you you are reeediculous to think you are anywhere near fat (I think that's when you have to walk around your own thighs) but all the other posters have done a magnificent job, so be happy, and GET PACKIN'!!

Kazzy said...

Ha! This post cracked me up. Hey, we all try to put our best selves out there in photos. We are all fakes I guess. The difference is that you are an adorable, young, funny one. :)

HeatherKitts said...

So, yeah, I was a size 6 in high school maybe...I was a 10 on a good day before I got pregnant. I pulled out one of the skirts I wore last summer (HUGE mistake) just to look at it and decide if I had ANY hope of wearing it this summer and I swear, it looked like it belonged to a Barbie. Seriously though, this post is priceless, I love it. No matter what I look like after the baby, I'll know it was for a fabulous cause...but we can dream, right? RIGHT!?

Becca said...

Haha, equator of love. Awesome. Mine is lower. You know those makeover shows where they have the ladies that loose like a hundred pounds and have that nasty hanging gut fat. I gained that when I had my daughter. People said, oh you look so thin already, but they didn't see the secret in my pants.

My thoughts are: size 6...was I ever a size 6? I come from a stocky family. My 'skinny' sister is a size 10 and people are always shocked she is that big. We may look smaller, but trust me, we are wide. Especially the bottom half. That probably explains my skin flap (as I call it).

Whitney R said...

haha, I still think your beautiful. Your having to CONTORT your face an awful lot. And you have VERY thin legs. Even with them on the chair.. mine are double that size and I'm not a 6. Well, I probably will be in a few weeks with the way the baby is making me FAT. Not even fake fat either.

I will say, though, it takes guts to do a post like this
:)

Melissa Bastow said...

I can't claim fake skinniness. I like to go with the title "porker" because that's what I am. I would rather be a size 6 anything, instead of the size 463WIDE I am. (Ok, that's not really a size - like I'm going to tell anyone what size of clothes I wear. Porkers have some pride, you know.) And I'm really loving the very last grouping of pictures - they belong in a gallery.

Julie said...

I'm worried that you may have strained a muscle or something pulling all of those faces. Be careful!

Square Root of Family said...

Alright, admit it. You took acting/drama classes in high school, didn't you? :)

I think the pictures of the effects of inhaling cleaners would make a great companion with the CFSS Essay. :)

Becky said...

This is possibly the best post I've ever read anywhere ever!!!! (Are four exclamation marks enough to convince you, cuz I could add some more. Oh, what the heck... !!!!!!)

Love the pictures, love the attitude, love you.

Julie said...

At least you CAN hide it. Some of us are SCREWED!!!!!!!!

4handfulls said...

You're the best!!! I am cracking up at all the pic's I have taken at myself that I delete before even DH can see them (like he doesn't know I have a bad side after 13 years together!).

Harmony said...

let's be honest. we're all fake. no matter how skinny or not skinny we are.

ps.- the word verification I have to use to post this comment made me laugh. It spells out the word "flamer."

Jen said...

YOU ARE BRAVE. Way to go. :)

Tobi said...

A muffin top is a Mom right of passage. If you don't have one then you haven't had enough popped off enough kiddos yet or you've been surgery-enhanced. Which I'm looking forward to in ten/twenty years.

I still think your gorgeous darling!

nikkicrumpet said...

LOL that is a hilarious post...the last pictures were totally cracking me up. But my thigh is bigger than your ENTIRE body...and that isn't the least bit amusing.

annie valentine said...

Jen's right, we are so related to you.

Natasha said...

Yes, you can be a fat size 6. My body fat (measured with a special tool that can somehow measure the electrolytes in your body or something like that) is 40%. Yikes. I know this personally. Right now I'm an Old Navy chino size 6 but my belly is worse than yours. But I've been lifting weights and eating well and I've lost 5 lbs, visibly. One day I'll put up my before photos.